Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
