who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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