I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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