Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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