No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
