I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
