Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Come share oat with me in your robe
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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