my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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