So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Randomize
