I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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