Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
