Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
