oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sorry about my life...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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