if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
