do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
