Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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