I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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