The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i wish my penis had a tongue
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
