I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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