Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
