the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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