I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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