peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
