I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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