Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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