In America we eat man semen.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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