I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
God, I missed his penis.
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