I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
