Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
