It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
