look no pants
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Text me some of your sweat
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