You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
