ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
