fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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