Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
