she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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