did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Randomize
