Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
