I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
