Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
