He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
