i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
