thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
