girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize