Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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