even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
