dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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