Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
