what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
