I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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