mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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