11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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