they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
