I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
