my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I will pee on everything he values.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
